My Upper Room

Take a group of children, put them in a field, divide them into two teams and throw a ball into the mix. Stand back, and watch what happens. Don't interfere, don't tell them what to do, leave them alone. Within a couple of minutes a few things have happened; they have selected captains for their teams, if the teams are uneven they have made them equal, rules have been laid down, the goal lines have been drawn and a target of goals to reach in order to establish a winner has been reached. All without your help. It happens every time, without fail, and if it doesn't happen, the children don't play.

Children need rules, they need rules so much that if they are left to their own devices they will make up rules for themselves! I'm not saying that they will make up the best rules, but they will do what they think is best for themselves. Boundaries are a vital part of any child's environment. Without boundaries and rules a child feels lost, vulnerable and insecure. There are some schools of thought that call these boundaries "limitations", this is not correct, they are not limitations, they are the boundaries within which a child can "play" to the best of their ability, safe in the knowledge that they can make a mistake without having to worry about the big picture, that the game will carry on, and that they can pick themselves up, dust themselves off and learn from their mistakes and successes.

Oftentimes, as a parent I wonder if disciplining my child is the right thing to do. More often than not it is an issue because of the way in which I discipline my child, not whether or not my child needs to be disciplined. I'm hung up on "not being my parents" or "not being an ogre" instead of realising that without proper correction my child will carry on making a mistake that will lead  to his feeling out of place and unsure of himself. When we show tough love, when we give boundaries to our children we are giving them the freedom to make mistakes and gain valuable life experience. 

Proper discipline, rules, actions and consequences are neccessary for a balanced and healthy child. Discipline, properly delivered and administered, helps a child develop good self-esteem. Humiliating and degrading your child is not discipline. Whatever you have in place as your methods of discipline, from "time outs" to grounding to corporal punishments, make sure that you do not discipline in anger, as a reflex or in a way that makes your child afraid of you as a person, but rather aware of the action that has initiated the chain of events leading to discipline.

Discipline and punishment are also not mutually exclusive of each other. One can exist without the other. When a child starts to discipline themselves it changes families and children in a profound way. The only way that this can happen is if the whole family understands why good discipline is essential for a happy family.

Discipline is not bad, boundaries are essential and self-esteem can only grow in a garden with walls to keep the flowers safe!