My Upper Room

These are statements I have heard, no just from others, but from my own lips on countless occassions. It seems at times that no mattter what approach I take, no matter what punishments I devise and no matter how much I debase myself in acts of begging and pleading, my children just cannot find it in themselves to pick up after themselves. Or feed the hamsters. Or bring their toys in from the yard...you get the picture...

In our program we try and instill a desire to 'treat others the way you want to be treated' and we address issues like; respect, kindness,obedience and how our actions affect those around us. It kaes a while for kids to get it. Heck, it takes a while for adults to get it, and some adults I know will NEVER get it!

Sometimes, though, all I want my kids to do is "Listen To Me, Please!" My children are well-behaved (generally), considerate and intelligent (generally), so why is it that they can hear the word "chocolate" through 4 walls and a running bath, but cannot hear me when they are right beside me and I ask them to pick up their shoes in the living room? Parents joke about 'selective hearing' and we resign ourselves to never-ending repitition and mind-numbing attempts at psychological manipulation. Just to get them to do what we ask. To do something that they should understand is essential. Cleaning up their own mess.

You see, if they don't learn to clean up their own mess, we know, as adults, that other people will be cleaning up their mess for the rest of their lives. Taking responsibility for your environment is a vital aspect of becoming a fully functioning member of society. When we stress about our children's apparent inability to do anything about the mess they create, we are stressing about so much more than the fact we have just tripped headfirst into the coffee table over a pair of old running shoes.

My wife came home the other night from our bible study group with an incredible idea. They had listened to a DVD by a pastor named Andy Stanley, who heads up a church called North Point in the U.S. and in this DVD he proposed a radical suggestion in getting your kids not just to listen, but to think for themselves.

The basic premise is that when you are confronted with a situation in which you, as a parent or caretaker, have to perform a task that should be performed by the child, that you ask the child to ask you to do it. As simple as that. You see, my children are used to the pattern. They mess, I ask, they don't do, I ask, they ignore, I shout, they do.

I tried this new system, with some incredible results. I know this will not work for everyone, some kids might revel in it, but that then would show you that you far larger issues to address. This is what happened...

My youngest son, 5 years old, left an item of clothing on the sofa. As usual, the clothing had been left their, waiting for me to either pick it up, or for me to demand that he take it to his room, where it belonged. I instead called him over, and in a calm, non aggressive way asked him to "please ask me to pick it up for you". The look of distress on his face was immediate! This is a child who does not respond to punishment as a means of correction. He has a thick skin and a stubborn attitude. He could not bring himself to ask me to do it. He had tears in his eyes as he begged me to let him take his clothes to his room. I have done this with my 8 year old as well, with the same response.

This system of passive confrontation has opened their eyes just a little bit to the way their actions impact those who share their environment. If it can help my children to become responsible, self-aware and self-respecting members of society, I'm going to give it a try!

Happy Parenting!